being emotionally broken from the start makes dysfunction seem so normal.
A beautiful girl who grew up with a single mother.
This girl made excuses for her father, she knew he didn't know how to be better.
This girl cultivated fatherly love with music and connections at school.
She made friends with kids that were a bit mean to her because she learned early on in life to accept the flaws of others.
She accepted that people just hurt people.
She was bullied by her own family.
She never accepted that it hurt her, she's a tough girl, that's just the way they are.
She learned about love through her first romantic relationship and onward.
It wasn't until she started to love herself that she noticed that the love she gravitated to was unhealthy.
She learned that love is actually supposed to feel good more than it's supposed to hurt.
Her eyes opened and she noticed the flaws of her relationships and ended them.
although she would double back she had no choice but to put herself first.
She reached a point where she started choosing herself over and over again she thought she'd reach perfection.
There's only so much self development one can do alone.
She went on a journey and cut off everyone.
She's happy, alone but never lonely, see in her alone time she grew a relationship with God.
As a woman she accepted that she no longer wanted to be hurt.
She learned how to water herself and tend only to her garden.
She learned when to place a boundary and when to let it burn.
As a woman she stands completely alone and she understands her father on a whole other level: [Family, friends, and lovers will hurt you. We expect a clean pure love and yet we are holding on to dirt of the past. Half loving but we want to be fully loved. We have to learn to be honest with ourselves, we are all flawed and in pain for something.]
She now knows she has been scared to love.
She ran away from pain to the point she was now the cause of pain.
No one could have her heart, not a friend, not a man.
She realizes life is about connection but connections had left her with a heart broken into a million pieces that she had to put back together herself.
She thought that no one in the world could love her, but yet she knows she's lovable.
But it's hard to actually let yourself be loved, it requires vulnerability.
See it's easy to grow and change relatively speaking but to make healthier connections from that growth is the challenge.
She's accepted the fact that she is still healing, not healed.
She may not be "ready" to love again but she's open to it.
She is me. It took me 4 years to realize what broke me and accept it.
I hope I can write next what helps heal that wound but honestly writing this and accepting the wound were good starts.
I always put my best foot forward & act like a warrior even though deep inside I may be crying. It's in my DNA, I'm strong but I refuse to be broken. I broke the chains with the people that didn't see the issue but that was only 1/4 of the problem. The real work came after. Blessed are those who can grow with a community. I had to learn that I was the problem. I had to cry. I had to give myself pep talks. I had to correct myself. I finally let go of the past and came to realize I'm afraid to love and be loved.
I'm aware and that makes a world of difference.
I hope you all meet a true love and a community that lifts you up when you need it. I can be your community, and you can be mine. I'm scared to love and its hard to admit this is my fear, i'm not as fearless as I thought....