there’s duality in being content. i found myself more often then not content in romantic communication with a man. however who that man was at his core did not fulfill me, not because these men were bad people. simply just not made for my forever experience. i’ll be honest i feel like i may have been harsh & hurt their feelings. but nowadays most behave as if they don’t have feelings. embarrassing but true i have wrote journals about how i fancy love and who i fancied love with. sent and unsent letters filled with words of love. acknowledging all that i feel. i think love is worst than a drug because that’s the only time i felt addicted. i allowed myself to think that the men i dated were the source of the love i needed. i felt content in the beginning because this is the love i always wanted. in high school picking out baby names so sure he’d be it and every time.. repeated the crime we’d be together forever. but no none were him. my heart and confidence slowly breaking but jesus allowed me to feel his love. that’s the love i think of and get strength from. i had to learn about love and make many mistakes. i’m glad i survived and jesus allowed me to be his student. i haven’t lost hope on love. i know there’s a husband in the world picked by the most high just for me. i hold myself to a standard not set by me but set by God. i need my husband to hold himself to a standard as well. i’m learning and i only expect what i can already do by “myself”. experiences have taught me well, maybe even scarred me.. can’t tell. either way be content with your life because you have life. trust God.
i feel like i’ve been ungrateful but i’m grateful for those moments of ignorance. they all proved themselves to be just as ignorant. forced to learn. i wouldn’t trade it because i’ve learned. i remember pleading my love and not even an acknowledgment. the switch feels better. my need to express is now quenched with this and if you’ve been hurt maybe it can help you. either way i’m quite okay with where i lay. either way i will be joyous. either way i’ll keep trying. either way i’ll keep learning. either way it goes i’m okay because God is with me.